Jun 30, 2009

Introducing the New Traveling Pants!

As I've been cleaning out my closets and drawers in preparation for another move (not far, just basically across the street), I found an item that I know I will never use again, but definitely served its purpose at the time. I wasn't sure what to do with it, but I didn't want to get rid of it, so I stuffed it back in my drawer.

It wasn't until I read a post by another blogger friend of mine, another Glamour Girl, that it hit me what I needed to do. There are others out there that are in the same situation I was in a couple years ago. They need this item that I've been selfishly holding onto! It can be the new "traveling pants" being passed along from woman to woman to celebrate their independence and new life. It is also a symbol of hope for the future and a promise from me that life does get better...a LOT better actually!

So, here it is, as modeled by me and a good friend of mine who happened to get a divorce at the same time. She designed the shirts and I flew up to NYC to party with her for the weekend for our official "divorce party"! Can you tell we were having fun?

Congratulations to my blogger friend at Glamour Girl's New Life (http://ggsnewlife.blogspot.com/). I hope you will proudly wear the shirt and pass it along to another deserving woman. Who's next? Sign on up!


Jun 28, 2009

Red, White and BOOM!

I'm in shock! Last night I learned of a horrendous 4th of July ritual that has been going on in my town every year right under my nose without me even knowing it. How could I possibly live here for nine years and not know about this? you ask. Simple - I haven't procreated.

Yes, people, I found out from Hottie Husband (HH) last night that for women who have been able to accomplish the amazing feat of procreation, the yearly ritual is to dress up said offspring in ridiculous patriotic garb and proceed to stroll them around in a circle in front of others (dads taking pictures), and call said event a "parade!"

HH did not understand the look of complete bewilderment on my face as he tried to explain this "parade"' to me. "Well, what else are you going to do with your kid to entertain yourselves on 4th of July?" Poor HH...he has never had the experience of living anywhere besides the suburbs. I, on the other hand, lived in a pretty rural area as a child and last night's conversation reminded me of all the great memories I had celebrating the 4th with my family back then.

I hope you all will enjoy some of these tips for 4th of July fun!

  1. Explosives: we're not talking sissy "fireworks" here! There's nothing like some good, old-fashioned dynamite to get a party going. My crazy uncle would light dynamite at the end of our gravel driveway and then run like hell while all of us kids would plug our ears and cry, anticipating the noise that would shake the ground like an earthquake and create huge craters in our yard.

    Back before people got all hung up on child safety, explosives were fun for the whole family. My brother and I would keep all the leftovers from the 4th in a cigar box in his bedroom closet. By the time we were pre-teens, we had blown up all our childhood toys. This is a great way to entertain children and keep them out of your hair for hours at a time!

  2. Sprinklers: I'm not sure why I haven't seen a single child run through a lawn sprinkler the whole time I have lived in this stuffy town. My brother and I saved up for a year with all the money we earned stealing balls from golfers and then selling them right back. We knew exactly what we would do with that money! Once we bought our sprinkler, it provided entertainment the whole summer. Who needed a big old pool anyway?

  3. Lightning Bugs: What else can I say? If your kids haven't run around at night and collected lighning bugs; they haven't lived. Period!

  4. Spotlighting: Who can forget capping off the night by rounding up the kids in the car, grabbing a large spotlight and creeping along a country road, shining the light into the woods to spot deer? This was a GREAT activity! All the anticipation of wondering how many deer you would see that night! Would it be more or less than the night before? You never knew - that was the fun of it all!!!

With all of these ideas for family fun, one should never be bored enough to resort to celebrating holidays by pretending like procreation is an accomplishment. What is an accomplishment is being able to raise confident, well-rounded children who don't feel like they deserve the world on a silver platter just for being born. Oh - and it helps to throw a little bit of simple, old-fashioned fun into their childhood too! Thanks Mom and Dad!

Have a happy (and semi-safe) 4th everyone!


Jun 25, 2009

The Glamorous Thirties

Not that long ago, it was completely un-glamorous to admit to being any older than 29. But, in recent years attitudes have started to shift making it sexy and glamorous to be a slightly older woman.

Despite some of the atrocities that come with being in my thirties (can't drink as much as I use to, can't party as much as I use to, need more sleep, WHAT??? - where did those wrinkles come from all of a sudden??), I actually enjoy it!

Here are some of the reasons why I enjoy being in my thirties:

  • Old enough to know who my real friends are; not too old to dump the ones who aren't

  • Old enough to have established a career; not too old to change directions

  • Old enough to act mature and responsible; not too old to have a good time

  • Old enough to know how to dress appropriately; not too old to try out new trends

  • Old enough to raise kids; not too old to act like a kid myself

  • Old enough to be independent; not too old to know I can still rely on family

  • Old enough to be thankful for the life I have; not too old to change it if I'm not

  • Old enough to know what I want in a relationship; not too old to insist that I get it

  • Old enough to make decisions on my own; not too old to ask for guidance

  • Old enough to stand up for what I believe; not too old to be stuck in my ways


Jun 24, 2009

Dream On...

Last night it finally happened! I was chosen to play the lead role in a musical!!! I've been waiting all my life for this. Fuck those morons who didn't choose me for the lead in my senior class musical. They obviously didn't recognize talent when it hit them smack in the face.

Well, ok, so I wasn't the one originally chosen, but I was contacted to step in at the last minute for a musical opening this Friday because the star of the show fell ill and can not go on. Ha! I knew my moment would happen, who cares if it's at the disadvantage of others.

So I immediately had to leave for rehearsal last night. Talk about pressure! The show is opening in just a few days and I realized during rehearsal that maybe I didn't know the part as well as I thought I did. I stumbled over lines, panicked during the musical numbers and man, I had no idea how physically exhausting this show was. I was climbing all over the set in high heels and what??? there was actually some gymnastic type tricks involved.

By the end of rehearsal my feet were blistered, my body aching and I just knew the director was onto me. I was a phoney! I could never carry a show like this. But then we rehearsed the curtain call and I realized the moment I had been waiting for all my life was finally becoming reality. I would be the last one to emerge from behind the curtains to take my bow. The whole audience would be cheering just for me! I was going to be the star!

Ok, so maybe the rest of the cast and crew did believe in me, but I went home feeling like I still didn't believe in myself. I was in a complete anxiety attack at this point and that's when I saw her...the woman who could help me with all my problems...Oprah herself! In the flesh! She could see I was troubled and asked what was wrong. I explained and she began to give me a fabulous pep talk, also mentioning what a moron my high school theatre director was not to give me the lead so many years ago. This is why I lacked the self confidence now. Aha! I had the lightbulb moment! It all started to make sense when...

Sweaty, exhausted and completely confused, I bolted upright just in time to see the dog and cat scatter across the room. Oh right...haha...of course I knew it was a dream all along...

Jun 19, 2009

Plenty of Psychos

So, one of my good friends met her current boyfriend through a free dating website called plentyoffish.com, which I have now been recommending to other single friends. One of my co-workers took my recommendation and has occassionally been scrolling through the site while I help her determine which guys should been given a shot and which guys are just downright creepy.

Well, yesterday, she announced that I had to see this guy whose profile she was looking at and told me she had emailed it to me. I really couldn't have prepared myself for this photo and was completely at a loss of words after I saw it. REALLY??? And to top it off, he claimed in his profile that he was tired of dating bi-polar women. Uhhhhh....WTF?

Well, I hope this dude finds a fish out there for him, but I'm sincerely hoping that he doesn't contact any of my friends!

Have a glamorous and psycho-free weekend everyone!


Jun 18, 2009

Wake Up Glamour Girl!

Ok, so it's 5:00 am and the oh-so-Glamorous-One is still asleep. Seven years with her and we're still playing this game! Don't you get it toots?

"Meow!" means "Wake the fuck up and turn on the bathtub faucet because the water you left out last night is not good enough for me." and -

"Meow!" means "Wake the fuck up and give me some more food, not really because I'm hungry, but IF I were hungry I would definitely want some food in my bowl and there is currently none there." and -

"MEOW!!!!" means "Wake up now you stupid bitch and pay me some attention instead of sleeping your life away!!!" I mean really, you leave the house every single day all day. If you aren't taking a nap somewhere then what the hell are you doing?

The tall one is awake, but he already went out the door to go to a place he calls the "gym." I'm not sure why he goes there so much. He always comes back out of breath and sweaty. Doesn't look like fun to me. Maybe they have a big ball of yarn that he chases?

So, I've tried every trick in the book on the Glamorous One: swished my tail in her face, played hopscotch on her belly, used her body as a spring board as I ran at full speed across the bed, knocked everything I could off the dresser - What is it going to take???

Oh wait...she's moving...she's stretching...YES! I've done it - she's waking up. Gotta go!

Peace Out,
Simon Jefferson

Jun 17, 2009

I'll Start on Monday

Monday always seems like a great day to start something new - a diet, workout routine, quitting a bad habit, etc.

This is why every weekend I have the perfect workout routine in my head that I promise myself will start on Monday. It's not that I'm lazy or anything - I just HATE working out! I have tried every trick in the book to make myself like exercising, but it's just not so glamorous being red-faced, sweaty and not able to catch my breath.

I do have a gym right across the street from my house that I donate a large sum of money to every month. So, why can't I make myself go?
I will use any excuse - for example:
  • Creepy trainer guy will stare at my chest the whole time

  • I had a tough day at work, so time for a reward instead of punishment

  • I'm too hungry

  • I'm too full

  • I think my stomach kind of hurts

  • I'm on my period

  • My period is about to start any second

  • I have way too many errands to run

  • Did someone say "Girl's Night?"

  • Drinking and working out don't mix

  • My left pinky toe feels funny, better not make it worse

  • Why go today when I can just go tomorrow and work out extra hard?

So, last night when my oh-so-motivated husband came home from work to find me curled up on the couch under a comfy blankie and asked me ever so sweetly, "Will you go to the gym with me?" much in the same way he would ask me on a date, I caved. DAMNIT! He got me! I was back on the hampster wheel before I knew it. Ok, Britney, Fergie, Kayne - you with me? Let's go!

Jun 15, 2009

Brotherly Love

Dear Mario,

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been hiding in your shadow. Everything was always about Mario. Mario, Mario, Mario! Mom always liked you best. All I ever heard was, “Mario is so handsome,” “Mario is so smart,” “Mario is so funny!”

Well, the joke is on you now bro! All this “saving the princess” crap. Ha! The “princess” is actually crack whore Betty from down the street. She and I watch your every move on a tv monitor and laugh our asses off while getting high all day, you douchebag! It’s hilarious to watch you scared shitless as you dodge fireballs and bullets, killing all the mushrooms and turtles in your way. That species of turtle is now endangered, you moron!

Did you really think that I was just that bad of a player? Getting “killed” by the first mushroom that comes along or “falling” off the nearest cliff. Ha! It’s just a ploy so I can watch your dumb ass play the game while I kick back and laugh. If you would have ever tried EATING the mushrooms instead of KILLING them, you would probably be having a good old time with me and Betty in the back room.

I can’t believe how long I’ve been able to get away with running this racket! Since 1985! Guess you don’t feel so smart now, huh Mario?

By the way…you’re ADOPTED!

Your Loving Brother,

Jun 12, 2009

Owls are Hoot - I Mean Hot!

Being a Glamour Girl and all, I figure it's my duty to report on hot trends. Even though I like to be trendy, less than half of the time I actually like a current trend. Well, I guess that makes sense since I've never been one to follow the herd. But, every once in awhile there is a trend that I can't resist and right now it is OWLS!

I remember as a little girl in the 1970's having an avacado green owl nightlight. It was so adorable! I also remember those god-awful macrame owls being popular around the same time. Anyone with me? And now owls are back.

Here are some of my finds:
Owl journal at Corkscrew Nature Store

Owl luggage tag at Gama-Go
Owl handbag on Etsy at the Deluxe Junque Shop

Owl T-shirt at Design by Humans

What do you think of the owl trend? Love it or hate it? Found other cute owl items you'd like to share?

Jun 11, 2009

Random Rant of the Week

If you live in the Southeast US or have spent any amount of time there - you will know exactly what I am talking about: I am SICK of FREEZING MY ASS OFF all summer!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do people think that just because it is 90 degrees outside, it must be subzero temperatures inside? Great! Now no matter if I'm inside or outside - I will suffer miserably!

Reasons I hate air conditioning abuse:
  • All my cute summer dresses and open-toed shoes go to waste because I'm covered up with big, bulky sweaters.
  • Talk about destroying the environment! Not only is the air conditioning going full blast, but so is the space heater under my desk so my feet don't get frostbite.
  • People wonder why I get sniffly all summer. Ummm...hello! It's because I'm going back and forth between a 150 degree sauna and the frosty Antarctic. Human bodies weren't meant to survive these extreme temperatures!
  • Men don't seem to experience this misery, which pisses me off even more!

Jun 10, 2009

Cecelia Has Broken My Heart!

This was my beautiful Cecelia. I bought her in 2002 when I had nothing else in my life but a bad marriage. Cecelia represented my freedom and independence!

The only drawback to having this car was being easily found by stalkers! Otherwise - it kicked ass! It was 6 speed, Boise speakers, 6 disc in-dash CD changer and it sure drew attention and made me stand out from the crowd. I can't stand boring, practical cars!!!

Well, ever since my husband and I met we have had 3 cars. Him with 1 practical family car and one sports car, me with Cecelia. I knew at one point that one of the sports cars would go. It just didn't make sense to have two, but I held on for as long as I possibly could. Then came the inevitable...

We started talking about buying a house. Hmm...how would we come up with a downpayment? Cecelia was paid off- the other sports car was not. Selling Cecelia was easy cash.

I cried for several days when I knew the sale was final and Cecelia's new owner was coming to pick her up. My husband promised that someday I would get a "new" Cecelia. I think I was more upset about losing what the car represented than the car itself, though. Not even a porsche could replace Cecelia in my heart.

Goodbye Cecelia and thank you for "steering" me in the right direction in my life - toward freedom, independence and a second chance at having the life I've always dreamed about!

P.S. Don't feel too bad for me yet. I am driving the husband's sports car now - Honda S2000. Faster than Cecelia, but still not her ;)

P.P.S. The sale of Cecelia was not in vain - we just bought a house the other day. Moving mid-July. More to come! :)

Jun 9, 2009

Just Dance

Usually you don't notice the music at all when you're in a grocery store. But, if you do, it's usually the standard, generic elevator music. Well, my husband and I happened to be at our local grocery one evening recently and "Footloose" started playing rather loudly. I immediately started giggling and my husband gave me a strange look.

I told him that I was imagining someone spontaneously busting out into a dance routine - leaping down the aisle, spinning, shaking their hair wildly, sliding on their knees down the cereal aisle, etc. I wonder what would happen? What would people do? Just stop and watch? Join in? Would the dancer get escorted out by the grocery police? If I only had the guts to do something like that.

A few weeks after that, we were at a home decor store. We were in a section with lots of mirrors when a Britney song came on. (Ok, I do realize this is the second time I've mentioned Britney in my blog. I love rock, but I can be a sucker for pop music too!)

My stepdaughter (who I call Chica) started dancing in front of the mirrors. It's funny how 5-year-olds don't really care what other people think. How do we go from that to being an adult and worrying about what everyone thinks? Well, of course I didn't feel right leaving my Chica to dance all by herself. So, I joined in. By the end of the song we were both laughing and smiling and I really don't remember giving a damn what anyone else thought.

So, my recommendation is: whenever you feel the urge - just dance!

Jun 3, 2009

Are We Ever Really Safe?

Today I am dedicating my blog to my best friend and her family. Her 14-year old nephew was attacked and killed by two other teenagers while riding his bike on Saturday afternoon. I have known this boy since he was a baby and am completely in shock about what happened. He is being buried as I write this. Unfortunately, living 7 hours away I was not able to get there for the services.

This didn't happen in the inner city or the ghetto - it happened in the suburbs. In broad daylight. So tragic and senseless.

So please pray for Christopher Jones and the family that is mourning him today.

Glamour Girl

Jun 2, 2009

The Pretty Package

So - my husband and I are looking to buy a house considering we can get a good deal right now. Well, it's been awhile since I've actually looked inside "used" homes. Let me explain - it's common around here to build a new house from scratch instead of buying someone else's old, stinky, used house. That's pretty much the mentality here - everything must be new, shiny and perfect!

Anyway, we pull up to this beautiful house that could easily pass for a giant size dollhouse. The inside was perfect and immaculate. Portraits of two beautiful little girls hung all over the walls - their bedrooms decorated in adorable pastel colors and cutesy, girly decorations. Two little princesses who still believed in fairy tales.

"Wow! What a cute family," I thought to myself, "they must be selling in order to buy a bigger house and expand their family."

Then Reality Hit!

Realtor: "Oh!! Now I know what the problem is in this house," she exclaimed as she walked ahead of us into the master bedroom.

Me: "What? Is there a dead body in there?" I said half jokingly

Realtor: "Not Yet"

Me: Laughing nervously, but slowing my steps as I hesitated by the doorway

Realtor: "She's gone!"

Me: "Who's gone?" now almost in a panic about what she found - a ghost? a demon? an old creepy lady in a rocking chair????!!!!! AAAHHH!

Realtor: "The wife, she's gone," as she points out the lack of women's clothes in the master closet and no feminine products in the bathroom. "See, this was her sink," as she opened the cabinet below to reveal nothing but makeup remnants and a few forgotten hair ties. "See the furniture in this bedroom? I bet she took all the good furniture. This looks like it was his as a child, probably got it from his parents house."

Me: "Oh, right..." as I glanced out the window, revealing a tiny playhouse in the backyard. A perfect miniature version of the main house, now with weeds growing up around it.

So is life in the surburbs. Often a very pretty package with a lot of heartbreak inside.

Jun 1, 2009

The Breakup with Reality

Dear Reality Television,

I think the time has come that I need to move on with my life. I never meant to lead you on - we really did have some good times throughout the years. Remember how it all started with The Real World on MTV? This is before people even knew who you were. The term "Reality Television" had not yet become mainstream.

Then we started flirting with danger. I was intrigued by the first season of Survivor. It was all so new and exciting! OMG - who will be voted off next week???!!! This led us even deeper into our relationship by introducing The Bachelor, The Amazing Race, Temptation Island and The Apprentice.

I feel you started deceiving me at this point, but I was blind to it. I couldn't get enough. American Idol, America's Next Top Model, Anna Nicole, Average Joe, Extreme Makeover, What Not to Wear, Joe Millionaire, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (yes, this really was a show), So You Think You Can Dance, etc.

You were suffocating me. I was putting too much time into this relationship and shutting out everything else I had previously enjoyed. I honestly BELIEVED YOU every single time you told me that this was going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet! You Bastard!

This is when I hit the low point. Watching anything to get my fix - Paradise Hotel, Rock of Love, The Osbornes, Flavor of Love. I had to get out. There was no way I could continue pretending that I felt the same way about you anymore. It dawned on me when I was watching The Biggest Loser while downing a whole tub of ice cream. We're over, it's done.

I don't care if Bret Michaels finds his one true love, or if Paris Hilton really gets a new BFF, or how old Scott Baio is and still single. Who really gives a shit if the Two Coreys still get along or if Heidi and Lauren can patch up their friendship. I don't want to see the Kardashians bicker anymore! Enough is enough!

At this point I don't think we can still be friends. Please don't contact me. I wish you well and hope you continue on your crusade of numbing minds all over America.


Glamour Girl