Brotherly Love

Dear Mario,

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been hiding in your shadow. Everything was always about Mario. Mario, Mario, Mario! Mom always liked you best. All I ever heard was, “Mario is so handsome,” “Mario is so smart,” “Mario is so funny!”

Well, the joke is on you now bro! All this “saving the princess” crap. Ha! The “princess” is actually crack whore Betty from down the street. She and I watch your every move on a tv monitor and laugh our asses off while getting high all day, you douchebag! It’s hilarious to watch you scared shitless as you dodge fireballs and bullets, killing all the mushrooms and turtles in your way. That species of turtle is now endangered, you moron!

Did you really think that I was just that bad of a player? Getting “killed” by the first mushroom that comes along or “falling” off the nearest cliff. Ha! It’s just a ploy so I can watch your dumb ass play the game while I kick back and laugh. If you would have ever tried EATING the mushrooms instead of KILLING them, you would probably be having a good old time with me and Betty in the back room.

I can’t believe how long I’ve been able to get away with running this racket! Since 1985! Guess you don’t feel so smart now, huh Mario?

By the way…you’re ADOPTED!

Your Loving Brother,
Luigi